Subway

Wednesday, May 11

Taking the subway is a regular occurrence.  About half the time is spent traveling by myself, the other half with Bracha.  I hardly ever feel unsafe, and I travel with my laptop, sometimes with a video camera, and always with a still camera.  I don’t worry so much about being mugged or followed, even late at night.  But there are times when I am uncomfortable. When we are at the 68th Street- Hunter College Station, I feel uncomfortable when Bracha hugs me, or even holds my hand.  I hate being stared at by Hunter students.  This is partially because I feel as though public displays of affection are not becoming to someone who aspires to be respected by her students.  I think it is also that public displays of affection are heterosexual spaces.  It is expected that a hetero couple will hold hands, perhaps even kisses briefly.  It is not expected that a queer couple will do that.  So when it happens, people stare.  It is not necessarily unfriendly, but it is uncomfortable.  And since there is frequently anti-gay graffiti scrawled on the subway advertisements in that station, it makes me even more uncomfortable; edgy even.  I hate it.  Internalized homophobia is not an emotional place I like to be. 

The other side of this though is the times where Bracha and I are sitting on the subway holding hands, and we notice someone staring at us.  Usually one of us will comment to the other in Hebrew, and then we both stare back at the offending person.  It almost becomes a performance by our refusing to be intimidated and instead giving it back to them, holding hands even tighter than before.  We are performing a role that the person doesn’t like, and we are re-appropriating that space by doing so.